"Jack Gilbert's Lannan Foundation reading (1995)" - 19:31
This past weekend I ate dinner with some friends. The occasion was a surprise dinner—spaghetti, meatballs, a chocolate-chocolate-chocolate cake—for our collective mutual friend’s birthday that took place the week before, and we, as this group is somewhat prone to do, found ourselves, by the evening’s further end, engaged in a discussion of many bugaboo topics: the origins and ambitions of the anti-abortion movement; what it is that people crave, money or power, power or money, and if these things are the same or not, and, in either case, what does that mean about their suitors, its pursuit, for the rest of us seemingly, tryingly indifferent to these things, and why, why, why, why, why; about, perhaps, broadly, Capitalism.
Writing this out now, I fear it reeks of an early-thirties cliché—the young, well-meaning artistes and their peripherals and patrons gathered over meat butchered nearby by tall, beautiful women, and plating baked goods from the neighborhood staple, chewing the fat off the abstracts of the day, the month, the year, the presidential term—but I mention it because, amidst the raising of voices and rising of passions, of confusions and clarifications and ongoing, terminal disagreements, what I felt was joy to be in the presence of well-eared, generous, open conversation, lacking in the gossip and—forgetting and forgiving my constant and sincere yet flip interjections of a willingness to commit certain (unmentionable) crimes—superficial bull I often feel buried in. There was, rather, in the room what I felt to be a willingness—by way friendship’s palpable trusts—to look unyielding, impetuous, stupid, apoplectic, old, you name it; there was, in a sense, the urgency of presence: a desire to be truly with those around them. This is not unheard of in my life, but it can still feel surprising or new, as though in between those moments of vulnerability with others that sense of trust that one can speak their mind and be heard is lost.
My contribution to the discussion on capital-c Capitalism and its branches besides—again—my ongoing willingness to commit certain (unmentionable) crimes, which forever stands, is this nagging sense that so much of our contemporary trouble comes about with the rise and reign of the Great American Busybody which culminates today, in this madman’s opinion, in Twitter.
Some of the definitions of the word given by the OED:
A person who censures, reproaches, or upbraids someone. Also (English regional): a telltale. [My father has always been a fan of calling those deserving it “a twit.”]
A light, tremulous sound or call made by a bird; a chirrup, a warble. Also: any light, tremulous sound likened to this.
A state of nervous excitement or agitation; a fluster. Frequently in in a twitter. In later use chiefly colloquial and regional.
Of a person: to talk in a rapid, tremulous voice; to chatter, to babble. Also: to sing in a manner likened to that of a bird. [One of the examples, from an 1871 translation of Plato’s Dialogues: While a man is singing and twittering and pouring music like water through the funnel of his ears, the edge of his soul gradually wears away.]
I think everyone is well aware of the benefits and limitations of a platform like Twitter, and I have no interest in grandstanding and commenting on it any further, but tonight, after my poetry class, I came home and poked around for a moment, to see what was happening in the world after having spent my day walking around Manhattan in the rain and hiding in the Natural History Museum with a friend, disconnected, only to find myself clicking and clicking and clicking, trying to figure out why people were talking about the actor Adam Driver and what it was they had to say about him.
Perhaps you too are curious; perhaps you too have tried to learn how to be in the world by observing others in the world, using their thrown shadows to try and better judge your bone and fat and muscle, the hunch, and paunch, and perpetual nag that fills every corner of your brain, and the shape they all seem to make on the walls.
Here’s the gist: some people like Adam Driver and some people don’t. Some people find him attractive and some people don’t. Some people would have intercourse with him straightaway, and some people would rather not have sexual intercourse with him. Some people think he is a good actor and singer and some do not. People also seem to be attracted to people who are tall, taller than they are, which I do not find surprising though I do still find frustrating because I am not tall. One time I was talking to a female butcher I had met on a dating application. This female butcher was a couple or few inches taller than me. (I am 5’6; I believe she was 5’8 or 5'10.) While she enjoyed our conversation, she was sad to share that it would not make sense for us to go on a date because she felt it would be unlikely that she would be attracted to me in any significant way. She expressed her desire to run and jump into the arms of the man she would date and suggested by implication that I would not be able to do this, not. In response, I recorded a video of my roommate at the time, my friend Karl who is over 5'10 and was, we determined, heavier than her, running and jumping into my arms and sent it to her. One time I fell over onto the futon and the other time I stayed up! She appreciated it. We did not go out. I think it was for the best. I watched the new Adam Driver movie with Scarlett Johansson, Marriage Story, tonight. It was very good. Some of it made me mad, but I had a nice, hard cry, too, which I like to do when I watch movies, but I find it hard to do when I watch movies with other people. Driver’s character sings a song from the Sondheim musical Company which I know nothing about, but the song, “Being Alive”—“Make me alive…”—I will probably listen to on repeat for days. The video linked above is of the late poet Jack Gilbert. The link is to a specific time in the reading where he reads my favorite poem of his, “Finding Something.” I read it to my students tonight and tried to make them feel something and I think I succeeded. I like my students. One day in graduate school I walked around St. John the Divine and listened to an interview with Jack Gilbert as he read some of these poems and I cried and cried and it was a very spiritual experience and I am thankful for it. “Only Pittsburgh is more than Pittsburgh.” I feel very alive right now even though I am very tired, and I am grateful for your time.
"Fiona Apple appreciates Sinead O'Connor Mandinka" - 1:43
This is a video of the singer Fiona Apple watching a video of Sinead O’Connor performing her song "Mandinka." I like this because it is very adorable and is representative of how I feel listening to this particular song and many other songs while sitting at my computer. If anyone can introduce me to Fiona Apple I would be appreciative. Also if you can pay off my student debt. I have a lot of it. Or if you can pay me to do stuff that will help me pay the debt. I am capable of most things, I think, and very good at some of them, particularly projects that require endurance. I have been awake for 22 hours. This is probably a sign of something bad but I promise I am okay; I just have some bad habits and am tenacious in strange ways.
"NUTFLEX Presents Michael Lehrer - Rated Sick AF" - 10:06
This1 is a video of a comedian named Michael Lehrer. He is from New York and then lived in Chicago and performed with Second City and then came down with ALS and moved to Buffalo and began to do stand up and now lives in LA. According to the ALS association, “Half of all people affected with ALS live at least three or more years after diagnosis. Twenty percent live five years or more. Up to 10 percent will live more than 10 years.” I have already made several friends watch this with me and I have watched it myself several times in the last week. He is so funny that I was willing to leave my first ever Youtube comment in support of him, and I will never leave another Youtube comment again because I never wanted to in the first place. Watch all of his videos, please and thank you.
"So thankful to be treading the face of this earth with you all,"
Luc
Michael died in January of 2023 at the age of 44. “‘Michael died with dignity on his own terms,’ said his life partner and caregiver Colette Montague. ‘... Medical aid in dying was the hardest decision he ever made.’” All the videos I linked are no longer available, but others are easy to find if one is so inclined.